Legal Question in Family Law in California

What kind of custody modification would it be reasonable for me to ask for after 6 years of 50/50 joint legal/physical with my ex-husband, under the circumstances below?

- School attendance issues (90% of tardies and unexcused absences on HIS days)

- Lack of homework supervision reflected in the penalties the kids systematically accumulate at the beginning of the week when they are with him

- Disagreements over healthcare decisions. Our oldest was diagnosed with ADHD and High Functioning Autism at age 5. Behavioral difficulties at school have brought the school administration to ask our pediatrician to release information to the school psychologist to establish need for school evaluation of possible learning disabilities and subsequent potential plan of action. He refused because he doesn't want him labeled on the record at school. I believe it could help him be better-adjusted if they can devise a plan that works for his needs. As my son's ability to focus and be organized got progressively worse, his current teacher, who has 30 years in the field and is highly regarded as one of the best and most compassionate teachers in the district, suggested to perhaps try and put him on medication to see if it does anything for him--because he can always stop if we don't like it. I can't say I'm a fan of the idea, but in conjunction with his cognitive behavioral therapy it might be worth a try. My ex won't even consider it, so we're stuck with solutions that just haven't been working.

- Ongoing controlling behavior (trying to appropriate my custody time without fair trades, grilling the kids about my private life, calling the cops on me while they are here, over a disagreement on interpreting the order, trying to micromanage my life from how I dress them to what brush I use for their hair, etc.)

- Unwillingness to facilitate time with my side of the family (all maternal relatives in Europe, consistently refused to trade time so I have enough time for a viable visit, whereas I gave up (not traded, *gave up*) my half of spring break twice for the kids to travel to his dad�s.

- Actual custodial interference incidents�not disagreements over how we interpret the order, but clear violations (took my Thanksgiving for 2 of my turns, and half of last year�s holiday weekend, kept the kids out of state 4 days beyond his allocated annual 2 weeks�after denying me extra time for my vacation, consistently keeps the kids half the day on Mother�s Day to reserve that time for their step mom�even telling me they�ll be here by a certain time and showing up at 6pm so I have 2 hours to enjoy my Mother�s Day with them before bed time, etc.)

- Using the kids as messengers for leverage in ways that make me look like the bad guy (telling them I need to pay for such or such school fee because �he gives me over $100 a month in support to pay for things like that�, having our 6-year-old call me to ask �why won�t you let us see grandma� after he tried to hijack my Independence Day weekend, for which I had made travel plans, with 10 days� notice (the plan requires 30), or consistently dangling shiny things in front of them for my custody time to try and pressure me into giving it up because of the expectations he created without consulting me.)

- Anxiety all of the above have caused me and how that undermines my right for peaceful enjoyment of my parenting time.

- Pot use (apartment reeking when I drop off the kids, paraphernalia in the kitchen sink in their presence)

- Potentially unsafe environment/emotionally abusive for the kids, as exemplified by

a) things my 10-year-old said in my presence in therapy sessions (how he is a referee in dad�s nasty arguments with his wife to try and calm things down, how �dad just gets really mad at her and so he yells at us too even if we�ve done nothing wrong�, how his hope for his own relationship down the road is one �where the yelling stays at a 5 or 6, not a 9 or 10″, etc.)

b) The kids starting to play pretend drunk at my house since a couple years ago ( I had never had more than a beer in their presence at that point)

c) his getting the cops called on him by neighbors during a violent argument with his pregnant wife that had the kids terrified their dad would be taken to jail �because of all the yelling and the crying and the �help me�s'�, in my 10-year-old�s words.

In light of all this--and I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I can't think of anything of the magnitude above that he could try to pin on me, with proper documentation of my grievances do I have a case for getting his share of custody reduced? Would it be reasonable to ask that he take anger management and parenting classes as a condition for unsupervised visitation?

I have no intention of preventing the children from seeing him, especially as he is about to give them a new sibling and I want to encourage them to have strong bonds with their brother, but I AM very concerned that his need to control me, his bitterness bordering on hatred, and his lack of education in matters of child psychology are clouding his judgement when it comes to putting the children's needs and best interest first.

I want to find a fair solution that both shelters the kids from emotional harm, allows them to get their needs met and to have the best environment to succeed in school, and gives them a chance to have a healthy relationship with their father, brother and step mom (who is a lovely person stuck in a bad relationship).

1 Answer from Attorneys

Related Questions & Answers

More Family Law, Divorce, Child Custody and Adoption questions and answers in California

Looking for something else?