Legal Question in Family Law in California

You need to move forward and move on. Though it is possible to get a custody order without a divorce, all that does is make you go through two proceedings instead of one, drag it out for the kids and you (since everything can be reviewed in the divorce) and run up the costs for everybody.

As for support, child support is a mathmatical calculation run on a program called DissoMaster, or a comparable program approved by the courts. It takes your income, her income, selected deductions, and custodial time, and crunches them together to get a support number. Not much to be done about that but make sure she reveals her true income. The marriage won't make a difference since partners', roommates', new husbands', etc. income is not taken into account.

Spousal support is another matter. Ten years is the length of a "long durration" marriage. So spousal support is in play. On the other hand she has been back in the workforce for over two years, so she doen't need support to reenter the workforce. In addition, not only respective earning power, but reasonable expenses AND other sources of payment for those expenses come into play.

Threats never work out well in Family Court. What works is just getting your case going, following the rules, taking the "high road," and most important of all, do everything you can to be the one who is looking out for the kids' interest first and foremost.

One last word of advice: once you have kids "you don't get much divorce for your money." By that I mean that you two are parents together for life. So you can't end your relationship and walk away. The kids need both of you, no matter how much she may mess up, make selfish decisions, hurt you, or anything else. So if you start looking at this as a process of converting your relationship from a messed up marriage to a healthy co-parenting project now, you'll be steps ahead for a long time. And if you can get her to start thinking that way too, your kids will thank you for the rest of their lives.