Legal Question in Family Law in Montana

Here's the problem: You're just a kid. Who listens to kids? Here's the good news: Many times, the judge listens to kids. But you have to be prepared. Go into training for it:

1 - Find a copy of "The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce" by Dr. Richard Gardner. Try a used book store or a site on the internet; my favorite used book site is www.fetchbook.info. You'll need Mom's or grandparent's help for charging the book to a credit card, probably less than $10. It's written for young children but the issues are the same no matter how old you are (and it's enlightening for parents and nonparent adults, too). You'll be able to read the whole thing in a couple of hours. If you don't have at least one Aha! moment, I'll buy your copy from you.

2 - Organize your head. This is the difficult step because emotions can be so loud you can't hear yourself think. Parent-child relationships are the most important you'll ever have and sometimes the hardest. They're full of volatile emotions like anger, grief, and frustration. But the problems you experience now follow you in every other relationship, and you might not even know it, unless you think about them now and you find a way to change how you act inside the pattern. Well, in truth, even after all this work you might never find a solution with Dad but at least you were mature enough to try mending it and, in the process, you learned how to live with it. [Personal revelation: I had a flash of insight just last week about one of my parents, and my first thought was, "So that's why I still feel like this about that!" If I had addressed it four of your lifetimes ago, I could at least have said my piece to that parent even if nothing changed.] Write all your thoughts in an outline so you can see it all in front of you.

3 - When you have a clear idea of what you want and how to say it, it's time rehearse with someone. Talk to your mom, the school counselor, someone you trust to keep the conversation confidential. You don't have to spill everything, you can politely deflect a "counseling session" in favor of some tips on starting to change the dynamic of your parent-child relationship. Rehearse in your head. How can you say it so it won't put Dad on the defensive? Keep the conversation on you, not him. Not "You never (do anything with me when I'm here)" and not "You always (get drunk with your friends)." Instead, try "I'd like us to do something together today, like go to the skateboard park and watch the guys, or go see that movie about Whatever, or go to that Thing you mentioned last week, it sounded interesting. The point is not WHAT, it's anything that will get him involved with you.

4 - Now it's time to approach your dad. You might be surprised to learn that your dad simply is not psychologically able to love or provide the kind of relationship you need from him. He might love you desperately but is too afraid to express it. He might be so damaged by his own parent relationship that his parents simply didn't show him what love looks like. The reason doesn't matter, does it? There's nothing you can do about him unless he wants to do it. But you can change how you respond to him and the parent-child situation you find yourself in.

5 - You did all that so you can do this: You can ask to speak to the judge about your parenting difficulties. You're ready for this conversation because you've done your homework: you identified the problem, you thought about it, you thought out how you would articulate it to Dad, you rehearsed it, you attempted several times to change what happens at your dad's house, you're ready for a change, and know how you will explain how the change is better for you than going to dad's. Your mother will need to file a motion requesting an amendment to the parenting schedule, and requesting that you be allowed to speak in-chambers with the Judge. Mom can also request the court to appoint a Guardian ad Litem to advocate for your best interests. The GAL interviews all the people involved in your situation (mom, dad, you, school counselor, etc.) and recommends to the court what the GAL thinks would be "in the child's best interest."

If you speak to the Judge in chambers, it's proper to address the Judge as sir, ma'am, or Your Honor. At least in my district court, the only people allowed in chambers with you are: the Judge, the court reporter, and probably the Judge's clerk. It's a confidential meeting. No one is allowed to tell your parents what you said. The clerk will put any notes of the conversation in an envelope and will seal it shut. You don't have to tell anyone what you said, not even your parents, and no matter how much they ask. It is between you and the Judge. This conversation is designed to help the Judge learn what you think is best for your life at this point, what problems you can't solve with your parents, and what changes in the parenting plan you would like to see. This is the reason you did so much work to prepare, because it's that important for you, no one else.