Legal Question in Family Law in New Jersey

I have an almost 15-year-old son whose father lives in Ireland. I will try to be brief to give the scenario so you can best understand what is going on.

My son's father lived with me here in the USA until he discovered I was pregnant, and then fled for his native country leaving no 'trail' behind - thinking he would disappear forever. When I was pregnant, I consistently encouraged his father to be a part of my son's life. He finally did sign paternity papers one week before my son was born. Nine months (minus three days) after my son was born, his father had another child born to him in Ireland. 4 years later he had a 2nd child there (same woman), and 2 others fairly quickly followed. So now my son has 4 half-siblings there.

Said father did not visit his son until his 5th birthday, despite my repeated invitations. He was using drugs and alcohol, but that year became sober (and is still today - power to him). I filed for child support when my son was 3, and his father didn't like that so he filed with the court here that I would not allow him to see his son. I found an attorney and of course the father never showed in court, nor made himself heard of. He later told me, "That's what happens when you take someone to court," (meaning that I filed legally for child support - I was not getting any).

After the initial visit when my son was 5, his father visited a couple of times a year for the first couple of years, then once a year, then 4 years passed w/ no visit at all. During all this time, telephone contact was limited, although I did encourage my son to call his father, and his grandparents, to 'report' certain 'events' in his life - losing a tooth, playing a sport, holidays, et. al. When my son was 8 he begged me to stop making him call his father and grandparents because, "I always get a secretary or voice mail and I leave a message but they never call me back." This broke my heart, and although I did not completely stop encouraging him to call, I held back some to do my best to honor my son's wishes. I even suggested to the father that we try to fix a day/time that each week they could speak regularly for even just 5 minutes - that consistency was better than sporadic once or twice a year long call. He said, "I'll call when and how I want."

I have maintained a good relationship with this man as I feel it is necessary for my son to be able to carry on a healthy relationship with his family abroad - although they make no attempts to call/see him. 2 years ago, my son and I went to visit for a week, and it went very well. We planned to do same the following summer. In May of 2011, my son's father and I had an argument, and his father stopped calling totally. He did not even send a card, nor call my son for Christmas. I never, ever, ever kept them from speaking on the phone, nor from seeing each other - in fact, had it not been for my continually over the years encouraging it, the father would most likely not have done anything. In fact, every time my son's father wanted to come to visit, I would do whatever I could to be sure they could spend time together - take off work (he can only have supervised by me visits, per court order), take off school, organize hotels, et. al. for the father... I have gladly and willingly enabled the two to have a relationship.

One more thing I feel is important to point out - over the years my son has had numerous behavioral problems - before we 'blame the parent' - I gave up my full-time job and moved in with my parents so I could be home for my son and raise him - I am very responsible and loving and even possibly too strict with my son. However, for whatever reason, many believe it is due to 'abandonment issues' that my son is acting out. He was expelled from school in 3rd grade due to inability to get along w/ his peers, again in 9th grade for same reason (both times it was immediately following a visit from his father - not blaming, but I'm sure there is a connection - acting out, et. al.) I had homeschooled him for 5 years due to his serious problems getting along w/ his peers - and we have been in counseling...

Now, my son is on probation after a few arrests, and serious 'issues' - we suspect Asperger's - he also spent 5 days in a Juvenile Detention Center. This was in February. His behavior has gotten much better, he is getting counseling, for school attends an 'alternative school' for behaviorally challenged boys, and just began a 6-week employment training camp that he loves. He is in a VERY vulnerable place emotionally right now, and I don't want to rock that boat.

The problem now? My son's father wants me to send him to Ireland - alone - to visit for 8 or 9 days. I don't feel at all comfortable with that - I don't trust him to look out for my son's best interests - he always wants to be the 'cool' father, and I fear he will provide my son access to drugs (well, they do live in a drug infested neighborhood - not my saying so - the father told me that), sexually inappropriate behavior, and drinking (which he already did at a party when I went to the rest room last time we were there). My son is a teen, a troubled one at that, and of course I'm the Bad Guy who "Won't let him see his father." I don't want to get into why I have a problem with it, but did tell him this is not a decision that he, his father, his father's girlfriend, and the probation officer can make, but that his father needs to speak to me directly about these plans they apparently are making. I don't want to badmouth the father, but I am fearful to let my son go alone - especially as it's in a foreign country.

Can he do anything legally to make me let my son go alone? I do have an order of total custody and again, on that paper it states his father must give me 30 days notice for visitation and that said visitation must be conducted under my supervision (I DO give them space, just am 'on top of things' at a distance, if you will)... He hasn't paid child support in 20 months and I know that visitation is not tied to child support, but due to him not paying AND not even calling my son for nearly a year (sudden interest), can't that show he is not responsible?

He is welcome to come here and visit my son whenever he wants - or I would even go there to accompany my son on his visit - yes, it's awkward for me, but his family and I get on extremely well, even his girlfriend, too, so it's not like there is malice involved. Even though he never has regular work, his family is VERY wealthy and gives him $$ when he asks, so I fear he will hire a very powerful attorney to get my son to go overseas alone to visit.

I hope this wasn't too long, nor too jumbled - truth be told, there is a LOT more to the story, but these I believe to be the most relevant facts.

Thank you for any advice you can provide.

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