Legal Question in Elder Law in New York

Re: Help for My Dad

If your father is not incompetent, he is the only person who can make decisions for himself. Needless to say, he can be influenced by you or your mother. The best solution here is to provide your father will all options and let him make the decision. Your father cannot be placed in a nursing home, if competent, against his will.

If your father is declared incompetent, then your mother can be legally permitted to make all decisions for him if she has a durable power of attorney and a health care proxy.

If you need an attorney, please feel free to contact me at (212) 971-1384.

Re: Help for My Dad

You might consider talking to your father's doctor/s with your father's permission and request a referral to a mental hygiene counseling center or program, for assistance in developing a recommended Care Plan. Which may include your father executing health care proxies and other documents, to you and your sister. So that you may be able to protect your father, somewhat; and you should ask a counselor to talk with your father about his wishes and ask the couselor to write down what he says. Discuss moving him to your or your sister's home with help; and how to work that out. But, don't expect that your father will agree to move. He will probably accept your mother's punishment, rather than make any changes or leave his home, voluntarily. He may know that his wife has no further use of him, and wants to be rid of him, sooner rather than later; but he will not accept the idea that he no longer can control his situation; or that she will really do to him, what he cannot even entertain ever doing to her.

Forestall your mother. Try directing your mother's attention to the financial cost and expense of HER Plan. Inasmuch, as whatever assets they may have,must be used to pay for his nursing home costs. Medicare is rarely sufficient, and her income can be cut in half. Remind her that nursing home costs are generally much greater that the costs of keeping an aged at home.

However, don't expect that you will be able to get your mother to agree, if her mind is set. Because she probably has decided he will probably not live long enough in a nursing home, to be much of a drain on "their" resources. (It is well known that Men do much worse in nursing homes than women do; and they die pretty quickly, once placed). Also, If he's in a home, and not with his children, she "saves face," gets sympathy, total freedom and (she thinks) all the money. Your way and ideas won't work for her.

To do? What my father told me. Just do the best you can. Do what is necessary...; and Fight as long and as hard as you can for the love of your father, to help him live with as much quality and dignity he can. Don't waste time thinking about the whys or wherefores of your mother. She is what she is.

Good luck,

Phroska L. McAlister,ESQ