Legal Question in Family Law in New York
18 Year old Daughter
My daughter, 18, is a student at SUNY New Paltz - about 2.5 hrs away from us on Long Island. She wanted and fought to go there instead of a local college and is enrolled in a pre-med program. Two months before she went to college she got a boyfriend.. her ''soul mate,'' (as she puts it) and plans to get married in the future. Problem...because of this kid, my daughters grades are failing...she has become totally disrespectful toward us (and has never been before), won't even call us unless she needs something...The boyfriends mother did not respect our wishes when we said we did not want her son to visit her too soon - she bought him a bus ticket two weeks after she was in college! She tells my daughter in emails that, since we don't think my daughter should come home every other weekend...holidays only, she can stay with her and her son! She also told my daughter that SHE cannot understand why we will not let her come home when she wants. Her boyfriend his mother have disrupted my daughters life and future plans and has turned our daughter against us. Do we have any legal recourse against the mother/son (as far as keeping them from communicating with her,etc)? What ''control'' do we have over our daughter being that she is 18?
1 Answer from Attorneys
Re: 18 Year old Daughter
You don't have a "cause of action" against your daughter's boyfriend and his family influence, over your daughter. "Alienation of affection" is not a cause of action that is applicable in this case. In addition, you would run the risk of further alienating your daughter, possibly to the extent, that you never recover a "civilized" relationship with her.
You have the same options other parents have re "children" of that age. To wit: Bribery, threats and manipulation. Also, patience, tolerance, hope and belief that eventually, she will return to the fold.
In the meantime, you do not and should not tolerate behaviour from her or her treatment of you and yours, that you feel is gross and obnoxious. Treat her the way she treats you as a way of expressing your anger and dissappointtment. But, she is too old for you to try to control her contact, friends or even her sex life. That ship has saled.
Suggest: That you quietly but firmly Remind and Convince her that your commitment to help her go to school, house her clothe her and otherwise assist her in HER plans for her life and future, ARE CONDITIONAL and depend upon her honoring HER Obligations to perform more than adequately in school. Tell her clearly what your limitations are re failing grades,....money etc., AND stick with it. Do not relent. If grades continue to fail, tell her you will no longer underwrite her attendance at New Paltz, but you might assist her in attending and commuting to a local college.
You can also reiterate your feelings and thoughts about certain kinds of behaviour and your hope that She will always honor herself; and conduct herself with dignity. But, that's it. You have to let go and trust she will find her way.
Good luck,
Phroska L. McAlister,ESQ
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