Legal Question in Family Law in Washington

For your benefit, I am going to answer this question from the perspective of a judge who is ultimately the person tasked with settling this issue, assuming you and the mother cannot agree on what to do.

If the children are left "over night" as you say, and if by that you mean until the next morning without anyone other than a 14 year old around, yes, that is inappropriate and needs to stop. If on the other hand, mom goes out for a weekly girls' night out and comes home between 2-3 a.m., after the bars close, then this is fine, expected, and routine. After all, when you lived together, if you both wanted to go out for a night on the town, this is probably what you would have done.

That said, 14 is on the younger side, so as a judge, I may want to know a little more about this particular 14 year old. Is this person a stable go-getter who is a neighbor from across the street, whose own parents could be called in an emergency, or is this 14 year old on the opposite extreme and just a pot smoking, irresponsible teenager who you can produce several affidavits from uninterested parties who will testify to what poor choices this 14 year old has made in the past from their personal knowledge. Which of these two is this 14 year old? That may make a real difference to any judge.

Before you go to a judge to settle this, here is what I suggest you do. First, I know it is tough to talk in a custody fight, but try to address your concerns with the 14 year old, and make sure that you are not contesting mom's right to go out in the first place (unless it really is overnight and she comes home after the sun comes up). To confront mom on her right to go out will only put her on the defensive and you will get no where fast.

Second, when you bring this up, don't do so without having a proposed solution that mom is at least likely to go for. For example, you could ask her to find an older baby sitter who may charge more, but you'll offer to pay the difference to ensure your children's safety. Alternatively, if mom would like, she can drop the kids off at your place while she goes out and pick them up on the way home (although that can be problematic if it is a school night). Either way, since I don't know the particulars of your relationship and where the disputes lie, I cannot go on forever with possible solutions, but I think you get the idea. DON'T CRITICIZE WITHOUT A REAL WORLD SOLUTION THAT MOM CAN ACCEPT.

I put that all in caps because that it the key to avoiding a judge having to decide. Still, as is often the case, you won't be able to settle and the matter will be brought before a judge or commissioner to decide for you. Before you get there, you will want to make sure that you have documented your criticism and proposed solutions and her rejections in writing (although you may not be able to get her to say no in writing). Thus, when you write with your criticism and proposed solutions, do so as if the judge were standing right over your shoulder as you write these e-mails or letters. You need to be on your best behavior and above all as civil as if you were in a courtroom.

If you lay out a compelling case and mom looks as if she rejects out of hand all reasonable offers from you, especially if you offer to subsidize an older more capable babysitter, then I think you stand a much better chance at prevailing on getting the baby sitter changed, if that is your main concern.

However, to be clear, don't think that you can use this issue to keep mom from going out. No judge wants to think you are using them as your tool to control when and where mom goes or whom she leaves to babysit, so long as that babysitter is capable. The fact that your kids are scared is not something I would want to get very far into, unless the kids have expressed this fear to a parenting evaluator or a guardian ad litem. Otherwise, it will be he-said she-said in court, with you telling the judge that the kids tell you this scares them, and mom telling the judge the kids tell her they love the 14 year old.

Best of luck.